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Is everyone a bit autistic?

6/4/2014

10 Comments

 
I don’t want to feel upset by Len[1] but I do.  I am not sure if it can be helped.  Len is a nice man and is also an ally working towards autism acceptance.  He is employed as an autism support worker and facilitated a self-advocacy group for autistic adults. He told me he loved working with this group and felt he really understood them.  “They told me that they were really scared about meeting other people, they felt they were being judged and didn’t know what to say.   I feel like that too about meeting people – I suppose we are all somewhere on the spectrum”   I think in saying this Len felt he was expressing empathy and showing that he understood and identified with an autistic sensibility.  I was aware of this but the remark still upset me, in fact I was so upset that I was unable to discuss the issue  and instead just muttered something  nondescript that probably sounded appreciative to him. 

I know I am not the only autistic who feels frustrated when I hear this things like “I feel like that too”…….”that is normal, we all feel that way”………” everyone has a bit of autism”. I also know they are often said by well-meaning people who want to support us so it might be worth explaining my reaction.

First off I should say that I believe we are all part of the human constellation and autistic traits are human traits, I suspect Len was trying to communicate to me that he shared this belief.  But the bit that he didn’t seem to understand is that his social anxiety is different from autistic social anxiety, for the simple reason that autistics’ social anxiety or even social terror is entirely rational.

Typically the largest part of social communication is non-verbal - autistic people
do not understand this communication.  We just do not have the neurological equipment to decode and deal with social situations in a typical way; we fear entering territory that often proves treacherous for us. Comparing ordinary anxiety about social situations to autistic social anxiety is like comparing my concern about swimming across a river (I am a good swimmer)  to that of a poor swimmer or non-swimmer needing to cross the same river.  We  are facing the same situation but our ability to deal with it is vastly different. 

I might be anxious because of the currents and the fact I don’t know this particular river, I might not make it because of conditions beyond my control; but I do have the skills to cross given reasonable conditions and a history of successful river crossings. However, a non-swimmer without outside help is likely to drown regardless of the conditions – they don’t have the equipment for the task.  Their anxiety is of a different order of magnitude to my anxiety, their anxiety is grounded in the likelihood of a bad outcome, whereas my anxiety is priming me to be careful and achieve the best possible outcome. 

So while I appreciate efforts to empathise with the autistic reality they need to be grounded in knowledge of just how differently we might be experiencing the world. Maybe if I had expressed to Len how upset I was with his remark he would have had an experience all too familiar to many autistics – that of trying to interact positively with someone only to find that you have said something that has the opposite effect to what you intended.  Paradoxically in this case Len in trying to get close to one autistic sensibility mirrored Autistic experience demonstrating what my friend and colleague Damian Milton calls the Double Empathy Problem[2].


[1] As ever in this blog anyone referred to by first name only has had name and some details changed

[2] There is an article about this construct (unfortunately behind a paywall) here  http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/09687599.2012.710008#.UzkjGbePLIU

10 Comments
autismwomenuk
6/4/2014 08:04:59 am

thank you for saying what i have been wanting too and not knew how to word,

Reply
Caroline
6/4/2014 09:05:45 am

So pleased to have been of use - this is something I have been thinking about for a while, as it crops up quite often.

Reply
Jo
6/4/2014 09:33:46 am

At least he was trying to understand and empathise as you say - I often find myself frustrated by the attempts of friends who are not parents of a child with autism to do the same but it is a Herculean task to be able to understand someone else's experience when it is so far outside of your own.
Although I do not have autism I do experience this inability of other parents to really understand what my world is like. However, I remain grateful to those who do make the effort - as so many do not even try - and try to be as accepting as I can be of the lack of success because of the good intentions behind it.
However, this is a very interesting point you make and I will try to use your shared experience in a positive way.

Reply
Caroline
6/4/2014 11:50:34 am

I agree, it is very positive when people try and understand, which made me so eager to figure out why I was not delighted by the outcome.

Reply
Frances
7/4/2014 12:31:09 am

I'm not sure if this will help. As I understand depression, which I have suffered greatly from. When I run out of resources to cope with everyday life and become dysfunctional to a lesser or great degree I need help, medicinally and or prefessional support. People with autism may not have those resources to begin with so empathy cannot be felt by another in the same way as a fellow sufferer with a depressive, or whatever. Tis only with personal experience of the same suffering I believe, can true empathy be shared. Not sure if this makes sense. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Confusion is good sometimes, it is part of the journey towards clarity.

Reply
Janet link
8/4/2014 10:43:40 am

Interesting article. Really helps to understand the reality for people with autism. I like the crossing the river analogy.
In my case as an ex-ME/CFS suffer, it would be "yes I get exhausted too, I know what you feel like" when the average person would not have any idea whatsoever!

Reply
Caroline
13/4/2014 12:35:35 pm

I'm glad the analogy works for you Janet - I love analogies as way of sharing experiences.

Reply
Metal Fabrication Ann Arbor link
29/7/2022 07:29:46 pm

Great post thanks for writing

Reply
Teknik Informatika link
31/1/2024 02:29:10 am

How can we encourage more empathy and understanding towards autistic individuals in everyday interactions?
visit our: <a href="https://sas.telkomuniversity.ac.id/rekrutasi-dosen-luar-biasa-mata-kuliah-olahraga-fakultas-ilmu-terapan-telkom-university/">Tel U</a>

Reply
Sains Data link
6/5/2025 12:51:14 pm

This is a powerful explanation—do you think there's a way to help allies like Len better understand the difference between empathy and equivalence?

Reply



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