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The right or wrong thing to say

28/1/2020

4 Comments

 
Like many autistic people I often say the wrong thing.
Interestingly though this happened more often before I knew I'm autistic, and that isn't because I've become more guarded and careful but because I am more able to accept myself as I am, tendency to say the wrong thing and all.

I've often explained autistic difficulties in communication by re conceptualising the idea of TOM (theory of mind) as "intuition of mind" and comparing it with the way we catch a ball.  We catch (or fail to catch) a ball by reacting intuitively, we use our senses to intuit where we need to put our hands to catch the ball. we don't have a "theory of ball" whereby we work out its trajectory and where we should put our hands to catch it.  If operated in this way we'd be too slow to catch the ball however correct our calculations.   Similarly, autistic people don't have the typical intuitive way of inferring what others are thinking, we have to work it out, so we tend to be either slow or clumsy in our efforts to respond to spoken communication.  We often don't, as it were, catch the ball in real time although we might be great at working out on paper movement is required to catch the ball.

Throwing the ball also requires an accurate idea of where it needs to go and how powerful and in what direction the throw needs to be to get it there. Well-meaning autistic people who constantly "say the wrong thing" don't have the intuition of mind required to say the right thing.  We have the ball (a thought in our head something we want to express) but we are unable to see exactly how to get this ball to our intended destination (transmit our ideas in a way that others can understand).

However knowing that I'm not a bad person, I just don't have the information required to "say the right thing" has enabled me to relax and make better use of the information I do have and my essential goodwill.  Or maybe it's just as Krishnamurti says "“If you begin to understand what you are without trying to change it, then what you are undergoes a transformation.”
(I first heard this quote on one of the excellent podcasts of Catherine Ingram.)
4 Comments
Melanie
7/6/2020 04:28:04 pm

I used to sat the wrong thing, or at least something that was very direct when I was younger. But since my diagnosis I've read a lot about ASD and this has helped me get to know myself. Being a "lost girl" for decades I was bound to say wrong things, direct things, and also tell people too much about myself. Now, I focus on me, and my well-being comes first. Since my diagnosis, I've stopped being a people-pleaser and am now wary of others who might want to push me around. "Transformation" is a good word, I agree.

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Lise B
9/1/2024 01:18:55 am

Ohhh I sooo needed to read what you wrote today. I have been beating myself up for saying something "wrong" the other day. I was meeting someone for the first time and was feeling overwhelmed with too much input, social anxiety, etc. etc. I was so happy to make a new friend and at an even that showed we shared an interest. But, now she's not responded to 2 texts (weeks apart) and I can't help think it's because of what I said. It sounded politically incorrect and is not a word I typically use but my brain blurted it out as part of a phrase (scripting I guess) and I was aware in the moment but tried to cover by finishing the story and I was also aware of some sort of reaction she had on her face. Can't think of any other reason for her not to respond. It is so hard for me to make new friends and I am new to the city so I have no other choice. I enjoy chatting with my other long-time friends but would love to have some local friends. Thanks for what you wrote it made me feel less alone and more likely to forgive myself because I know what I mistakenly said isn't who I am.

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Johns Creek Security System link
22/5/2024 08:13:18 am

Lovelly blog you have here

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Emman
12/8/2024 05:33:34 am

Understanding what to say can be tough, especially when navigating conversations about complex topics. For those dealing with <a href="https://aiimchoices.com.au/autism-funding-how-ndis-can-help/">autism level 1 with NDIS</a>, it's important to remember that it's okay not to have all the answers. Embracing what you know and showing genuine care can make a significant difference. It's about being authentic and open to learning rather than striving for perfection.

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